Before the internet, people commonly burned Polaroids and love letters in a fire as an act of closure following a breakup.
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7 tips for modern dating
Texting is the death of the first date
When you are conversing with someone on a dating app and that person asks to switch over to direct texting on your phone instead (by giving or asking for a phone number), there is a 60% chance the date will no longer happen. (This is based on evidence from my clients’ experiences over the last decade.)
Why is this? Because someone drops the ball and doesn’t text, the plans don’t get finalized, someone texts something inappropriate, it turns into a pen pal relationship … the list goes on.
Make your plans for the first date directly within the dating app.
Once the date is scheduled, feel free to exchange numbers just for contingencies by saying, “In case you need to reach me tomorrow, my number is ___.” Your conversation-to-date conversion rate will be much higher.
You get what you allow
If someone is treating you in a way you don’t like but you accept it, that is the treatment you will get.
For example, let’s say you prefer phone calls, but the person you’re dating only texts you. If you don’t tell the other person your preferences and simply reply to all the texts, then that is what you get.
You should never be shy to ask for what you need, which leads to the next point …
Telling someone what you need is not needy
I hear all the time, primarily from women, that they are afraid to express their needs and expectations to their (often new) partner.
Assuming what you’re asking isn’t unreasonable, it’s up to the other person to decide whether to do that or not. If they can, great. If they can’t, then it is up to you to decide how important it is to you.
You can always add dinner, but you can’t take it back
Go on a first date for a drink, coffee or a walk. Then, if you’re having a good time, you can stay longer and get food.
If you arrange for dinner and can’t stand each other — no one hopes for this, but it happens — you are stuck at dinner.
Wine bars are great — they usually have good food menus.
If you don’t know, ask
I get questions all the time about what something means that someone said. I can make an educated guess, but in the end, only the person who said it knows. If you’re not sure what something meant, ask the person who said it.
No one is a mind reader
If you want something from your partner, they won’t know you want it unless you explicitly say it. Use direct language.
Everything short of finding ‘your person’ is not a failure
We learn a lot about ourselves and other people in the dating process. This is necessary.
Some relationships work and some don’t. And many work until they don’t.
But remember that the ones that don’t work out are not failures, and neither are you. It wasn’t a “failed marriage” or a “failed relationship.”
Hopefully it was a positive experience (for at least some period) that couldn’t withstand the test of time.
Each date or relationship is a learning experience that gets us one step closer to the one that lasts.
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Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Join her newsletter for updates and tips.
